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Peeking Sunlight by TheNighttimeWanderer
Peeking Sunlight
Generally don't do photos since i'm still a novice at it, but I haven't uploaded anything in a while and what y'all to know i'm not dead :)

Happy Monday folks.
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Truth be told there's no actual date for when this happened, if anything the process was over a course of months and only within the past few weeks have I begun to realize the significance of the trial I have overcome this past year.


Before the start of my AmeriCorps NCCC FEMA Corps term, I would have easily been classified as clinically depressed had I gone and seen a psychologist or therapist; i exhibited all the signs of someone with this affliction: withdraw from society, paranoia, negative and psychologically damaging thoughts, self-doubt, a loathing of everything even though there was absolutely no reason behind it, nothing could make me happy etc. Everyday was one more nightmare that was forced to be acted out just to eke out an existence, and every moment of it was a boring repetition of negativity. 


At the core of all this depression were the damning notions that I would be forever alone no friends, and certainly not a wife. As to why my mind chose to use the falsehood that I would never be able to have a girlfriend or a wife as the rallying cry that forced me to replay depressing thoughts over and over in my head about a myriad of things, I do not know; all I know is that it was the dominating fear that commanded me for the longest time that in turn gave birth to more nightmares, more fears about dying and no one caring, about being abandoned by society, about being always alone in life, about everyone plotting against me and much more.


Depression damaged most aspects of my life up till this point; I won’t use it as an excuse for avoiding life or anything else, but I will state it as being the reason behind much of my actions, or lack of action. Depression would attack all form of logic I could muster, it made the illogical seem perfectly logical, it justified any negative thoughts, which I knew weren’t true, to become true and absolute. It put on a grad puppet show and played for me a host of lies, lies that only I could feed, that I could, in time, finally destroy.


As time progressed, there were many arguments, much conflict, much doubt, much soul-searching and many catalysts that were needed for this to happen. Though for years I tried to initiate the change on my own, there was no success; I would make some cosmic date or date of historical significance and tell myself “This will be the day it all changes”, followed by a crushing defeat that threw me more and more into the tempest of depression as my mind would make me see the inability to change overnight as another failure, another demonstration of my inability to care for myself. Now, you’re probably wondering why I didn’t tell my parents or tell a professional and seek help; well that reason is quite simple:


I was terrified of what would happen if others found out about the true nature of my actions. I believed the greatest danger was telling someone about my thoughts and in turn they would refer me to the nut house or group therapy; that fate had to be avoided at all costs, no matter what. I’ve never been a fan of group therapy or telling some professional my darkest secrets, i’m an Introvert (and proud), groups aren’t my thing, especially (as I perceive it to be), the soft, cuddling of sitting in cushy chairs in a circle going around and saying “Hi i’m Kyle and i’m depressed and negative as hell, what else would you like to know?” Nah, even greater a fear was being forced onto pills and being told they cure sadness. Let me go ahead and state for the record I believe that’s absolute BS, pills do not cure sadness, they only make you forget it for a brief while then remind you in the inevitable withdraw. I had to avoid the pills, the group therapy the world finding out who I really was. I had to find the cure to depression on my own, involving others was perceived to be a death sentence. 


And so, I sat alone at lunch, at home, didn’t associate with people because I was too busy filling my head with negative thoughts on all the possible scenarios that could have gone wrong, all the paranoia that was wreaking havoc on my mind filling it with lies.


Today I am pleased to tell you that all you read above is now little more than a story to be told, not something to be practiced. As of now depression is no longer a part of my life, but rather something that can’t ever come back and haunt me, something that no longer when I step outside it makes me hate the sun, makes me huddle in the dark corners and mutter to myself, makes me see all the wrong and all the negative in every little thing that happens; I do not perceive life a something to be avoided but rather something to be explored. I no longer walk with my head buried in the ground but rather I look up and smell the roses (or whatever scent may be in the area). I no longer avoid people, but rather approach them and strike up (most of the time) intriguing conversations. I no longer see advice as a personal attack but rather as a lesson to be learned. I no longer quick to anger.


There has been much damage wrought as a result of my action or inaction, but already this damage is beginning to undo itself. In 14 years, the time it took to do all this, it has been undone in as little as 9 months. AmeriCorps NCCC, this social experiment that essentially gives you a Masters Degree in Life, has been a revolutionary experience, one that I am proud to have committed to and didn’t almost turn away from the 1st night as I nearly did back in February; it would have been the greatest mistake of my life. I entertained the idea of suicide twice in my life, never attempted it; the saving grace being my desire to help Humanity and just keep going, (along with several choice people who came into my life at precisely the right moment), proved to keep the judas knife at bay.


I am now more resilient to outside attacks from others more than ever before, a singular bad incident no longer ruins my entire day bur rather may muck up the next few moments (if at all). I am able to see the positive in almost any situation, i’m able to look at myself easily, see the things I don’t like, and correct them quickly. 


There’s infinitely more to this story, but the details are lost in the annals of history, let them remain lost. Its difficult for me to explain this to you, not because I don’t want to, but rather it is like the Tao, it can’t be researched nor explained, it can only be learned and practiced.


Well that’s all she wrote folks.  


Hello all, good to be back.

I wanted to give you all an update on how things are developing in terms of personal life and project (book) development.

Currently i'm in Atlanta, Georgia (new location, yay!) prepping to return to Mississippi in a a few days to assist communities in developing their emergency evacuation and contingency plans (actual disaster related work, yay!). My term in AmeriCorps NCCC is coming to a close soon (one month left), and before long i'll be back home. Its been a hell of a ride, let me tell you.

In terms of book development, i've been working heavily on Rise of 1, Fall of 99 the past couple of weeks, developing plot twists, storyline, and interesting happenings that are sure to make this an interesting read. Currently i'm having a surge of inspiration as i've been writing down pages of notes for hours now (i'll have to force myself to stop so I can sleep for work tomorrow soon, but eh, who needs sleep anyways)? Progress is coming along well and i'm getting more and more excited as now i'm starting to develop the local economies for each town in the book, each with interesting elements to it.

Stay tuned ladies and gents.
Mature Content Filter is On
(Contains: violence/gore and ideologically sensitive material)
Once upon this night's tempest, the midnight never dreary
the rapturous orphaned darkness becomes twisted and teary,
beholding as Infernum pluit e cælo de summa coeli,
searing the foreboding midnight sky;
in reveling do we behold the requiem of the screaming rise then die.  


As the thunder echoes stronger Mephistopheles breathes again
To achieve supreme knowledge through a pact exploiting pain,
Thirteen hoods with the star of Ishtar chant eternal glory
While the suffering are brought to the center of this unheard story.

Throats are sliced and blood is being spilled,
"All must be done, the chalice must be filled!"

Skin is separated from the rest as lightings strike at their best,
The sacrifice is now complete yet Marduk's rage still has no rest,
The thirteen cry for mercy over their sin but no god is there to be,
Only two demigods brought forth from the horrors that none can see.

Watch tonight as the eyes and epitomes burn for the oblation
and lifeblood ichor swallows the hollow chalice in libation.
A masquerade - a grand welcoming for the summoning.    


Mephistopheles god and demon of knowledge tolerates nothing less
Than to see all his evocators skinned and burning or driven insane,
As chaos is wrought forcefully into their minds they proclaim success
Not knowing the consequences of supreme knowledge, psychopaths of the chain.

The high priest looks at his abomination,
Trying to make something of this creation,
But only darkness is in front of his eyes,
Lightnings hit him yet again from the skies.

To ravage The Everlasting Storm
peering most deeply into nocturnal eyes,
beseeching the summoning
as we lift the veil on the world on everlasting lies.


The circle is now complete, the summoning eternal,
Thirteen hooded meant brought upon the earth the Inferno,
Thirteen hooded carcasses yell in unison: "Tout finis ici bas!"
And the demigods they summoned answer : "Tout finis ici, pas."

Masquerades dancing within the velvet darkness,
the choirs of wailing and screeching in the eventide starlessness,
lightning reaching down impersonating Heaven
demonic hands impersonating angel hands,
Demon's chanting the symphonies of their homely Infernum.
The Ode
A grand collaboration between myself and the Nihilist.
The stanzas in italics are mine, the ones in regular font are his.

Do enjoy this summoning :)
Loading...

Truth be told there's no actual date for when this happened, if anything the process was over a course of months and only within the past few weeks have I begun to realize the significance of the trial I have overcome this past year.


Before the start of my AmeriCorps NCCC FEMA Corps term, I would have easily been classified as clinically depressed had I gone and seen a psychologist or therapist; i exhibited all the signs of someone with this affliction: withdraw from society, paranoia, negative and psychologically damaging thoughts, self-doubt, a loathing of everything even though there was absolutely no reason behind it, nothing could make me happy etc. Everyday was one more nightmare that was forced to be acted out just to eke out an existence, and every moment of it was a boring repetition of negativity. 


At the core of all this depression were the damning notions that I would be forever alone no friends, and certainly not a wife. As to why my mind chose to use the falsehood that I would never be able to have a girlfriend or a wife as the rallying cry that forced me to replay depressing thoughts over and over in my head about a myriad of things, I do not know; all I know is that it was the dominating fear that commanded me for the longest time that in turn gave birth to more nightmares, more fears about dying and no one caring, about being abandoned by society, about being always alone in life, about everyone plotting against me and much more.


Depression damaged most aspects of my life up till this point; I won’t use it as an excuse for avoiding life or anything else, but I will state it as being the reason behind much of my actions, or lack of action. Depression would attack all form of logic I could muster, it made the illogical seem perfectly logical, it justified any negative thoughts, which I knew weren’t true, to become true and absolute. It put on a grad puppet show and played for me a host of lies, lies that only I could feed, that I could, in time, finally destroy.


As time progressed, there were many arguments, much conflict, much doubt, much soul-searching and many catalysts that were needed for this to happen. Though for years I tried to initiate the change on my own, there was no success; I would make some cosmic date or date of historical significance and tell myself “This will be the day it all changes”, followed by a crushing defeat that threw me more and more into the tempest of depression as my mind would make me see the inability to change overnight as another failure, another demonstration of my inability to care for myself. Now, you’re probably wondering why I didn’t tell my parents or tell a professional and seek help; well that reason is quite simple:


I was terrified of what would happen if others found out about the true nature of my actions. I believed the greatest danger was telling someone about my thoughts and in turn they would refer me to the nut house or group therapy; that fate had to be avoided at all costs, no matter what. I’ve never been a fan of group therapy or telling some professional my darkest secrets, i’m an Introvert (and proud), groups aren’t my thing, especially (as I perceive it to be), the soft, cuddling of sitting in cushy chairs in a circle going around and saying “Hi i’m Kyle and i’m depressed and negative as hell, what else would you like to know?” Nah, even greater a fear was being forced onto pills and being told they cure sadness. Let me go ahead and state for the record I believe that’s absolute BS, pills do not cure sadness, they only make you forget it for a brief while then remind you in the inevitable withdraw. I had to avoid the pills, the group therapy the world finding out who I really was. I had to find the cure to depression on my own, involving others was perceived to be a death sentence. 


And so, I sat alone at lunch, at home, didn’t associate with people because I was too busy filling my head with negative thoughts on all the possible scenarios that could have gone wrong, all the paranoia that was wreaking havoc on my mind filling it with lies.


Today I am pleased to tell you that all you read above is now little more than a story to be told, not something to be practiced. As of now depression is no longer a part of my life, but rather something that can’t ever come back and haunt me, something that no longer when I step outside it makes me hate the sun, makes me huddle in the dark corners and mutter to myself, makes me see all the wrong and all the negative in every little thing that happens; I do not perceive life a something to be avoided but rather something to be explored. I no longer walk with my head buried in the ground but rather I look up and smell the roses (or whatever scent may be in the area). I no longer avoid people, but rather approach them and strike up (most of the time) intriguing conversations. I no longer see advice as a personal attack but rather as a lesson to be learned. I no longer quick to anger.


There has been much damage wrought as a result of my action or inaction, but already this damage is beginning to undo itself. In 14 years, the time it took to do all this, it has been undone in as little as 9 months. AmeriCorps NCCC, this social experiment that essentially gives you a Masters Degree in Life, has been a revolutionary experience, one that I am proud to have committed to and didn’t almost turn away from the 1st night as I nearly did back in February; it would have been the greatest mistake of my life. I entertained the idea of suicide twice in my life, never attempted it; the saving grace being my desire to help Humanity and just keep going, (along with several choice people who came into my life at precisely the right moment), proved to keep the judas knife at bay.


I am now more resilient to outside attacks from others more than ever before, a singular bad incident no longer ruins my entire day bur rather may muck up the next few moments (if at all). I am able to see the positive in almost any situation, i’m able to look at myself easily, see the things I don’t like, and correct them quickly. 


There’s infinitely more to this story, but the details are lost in the annals of history, let them remain lost. Its difficult for me to explain this to you, not because I don’t want to, but rather it is like the Tao, it can’t be researched nor explained, it can only be learned and practiced.


Well that’s all she wrote folks.  


Journal History

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TheNighttimeWanderer
Kyle
Artist | Student | Literature
United States
I am a poet/writer, its in my blood. I write what I see in my mind, what I see in the world, and what I think and feel. For me, writing is as instrumental as is breathing, I cannot function without it.

My writing varies from subject to subject, depending on how I may feel on any given day. One day I may write a romantic tale whist the next I find myself writing a suspense or terrifying tale; it all depends. For me writing is a pure expression of one's Soul and Mind; putting the deepest of thoughts onto parchment, manipulating words into either works of beauty or works of dread.

Using the flexible power of the word, one can flood another's mind with powerful visions or images; or have the power to move the very strings of Earth and Man.

So inquire to me about my thoughts and views, i'm always one for a good debate/discussion.
Enjoy the gallery.
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:iconi-am-divine:
I-am-Divine Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2014
Thank you for the favorite.
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TheNighttimeWanderer Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2014  Student Writer
Of course.
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:iconthanksforthefavplz:
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Hello there. Much obliged for the fave.
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Thank you so much for the favorite <3
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Certainly. 
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Thanks for the fav!
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Thank you for the Fave....
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Thank you for the Favorite! :D How's your day?
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