Depression Nevermore

Truth be told there's no actual date for when this happened, if anything the process was over a course of months and only within the past few weeks have I begun to realize the significance of the trial I have overcome this past year.

Before the start of my AmeriCorps NCCC FEMA Corps term, I would have easily been classified as clinically depressed had I gone and seen a psychologist or therapist; i exhibited all the signs of someone with this affliction: withdraw from society, paranoia, negative and psychologically damaging thoughts, self-doubt, a loathing of everything even though there was absolutely no reason behind it, nothing could make me happy etc. Everyday was one more nightmare that was forced to be acted out just to eke out an existence, and every moment of it was a boring repetition of negativity. 

At the core of all this depression were the damning notions that I would be forever alone no friends, and certainly not a wife. As to why my mind chose to use the falsehood that I would never be able to have a girlfriend or a wife as the rallying cry that forced me to replay depressing thoughts over and over in my head about a myriad of things, I do not know; all I know is that it was the dominating fear that commanded me for the longest time that in turn gave birth to more nightmares, more fears about dying and no one caring, about being abandoned by society, about being always alone in life, about everyone plotting against me and much more.

Depression damaged most aspects of my life up till this point; I won’t use it as an excuse for avoiding life or anything else, but I will state it as being the reason behind much of my actions, or lack of action. Depression would attack all form of logic I could muster, it made the illogical seem perfectly logical, it justified any negative thoughts, which I knew weren’t true, to become true and absolute. It put on a grad puppet show and played for me a host of lies, lies that only I could feed, that I could, in time, finally destroy.

As time progressed, there were many arguments, much conflict, much doubt, much soul-searching and many catalysts that were needed for this to happen. Though for years I tried to initiate the change on my own, there was no success; I would make some cosmic date or date of historical significance and tell myself “This will be the day it all changes”, followed by a crushing defeat that threw me more and more into the tempest of depression as my mind would make me see the inability to change overnight as another failure, another demonstration of my inability to care for myself. Now, you’re probably wondering why I didn’t tell my parents or tell a professional and seek help; well that reason is quite simple:

I was terrified of what would happen if others found out about the true nature of my actions. I believed the greatest danger was telling someone about my thoughts and in turn they would refer me to the nut house or group therapy; that fate had to be avoided at all costs, no matter what. I’ve never been a fan of group therapy or telling some professional my darkest secrets, i’m an Introvert (and proud), groups aren’t my thing, especially (as I perceive it to be), the soft, cuddling of sitting in cushy chairs in a circle going around and saying “Hi i’m Kyle and i’m depressed and negative as hell, what else would you like to know?” Nah, even greater a fear was being forced onto pills and being told they cure sadness. Let me go ahead and state for the record I believe that’s absolute BS, pills do not cure sadness, they only make you forget it for a brief while then remind you in the inevitable withdraw. I had to avoid the pills, the group therapy the world finding out who I really was. I had to find the cure to depression on my own, involving others was perceived to be a death sentence. 

And so, I sat alone at lunch, at home, didn’t associate with people because I was too busy filling my head with negative thoughts on all the possible scenarios that could have gone wrong, all the paranoia that was wreaking havoc on my mind filling it with lies.

Today I am pleased to tell you that all you read above is now little more than a story to be told, not something to be practiced. As of now depression is no longer a part of my life, but rather something that can’t ever come back and haunt me, something that no longer when I step outside it makes me hate the sun, makes me huddle in the dark corners and mutter to myself, makes me see all the wrong and all the negative in every little thing that happens; I do not perceive life a something to be avoided but rather something to be explored. I no longer walk with my head buried in the ground but rather I look up and smell the roses (or whatever scent may be in the area). I no longer avoid people, but rather approach them and strike up (most of the time) intriguing conversations. I no longer see advice as a personal attack but rather as a lesson to be learned. I no longer quick to anger.

There has been much damage wrought as a result of my action or inaction, but already this damage is beginning to undo itself. In 14 years, the time it took to do all this, it has been undone in as little as 9 months. AmeriCorps NCCC, this social experiment that essentially gives you a Masters Degree in Life, has been a revolutionary experience, one that I am proud to have committed to and didn’t almost turn away from the 1st night as I nearly did back in February; it would have been the greatest mistake of my life. I entertained the idea of suicide twice in my life, never attempted it; the saving grace being my desire to help Humanity and just keep going, (along with several choice people who came into my life at precisely the right moment), proved to keep the judas knife at bay.

I am now more resilient to outside attacks from others more than ever before, a singular bad incident no longer ruins my entire day bur rather may muck up the next few moments (if at all). I am able to see the positive in almost any situation, i’m able to look at myself easily, see the things I don’t like, and correct them quickly. 

There’s infinitely more to this story, but the details are lost in the annals of history, let them remain lost. Its difficult for me to explain this to you, not because I don’t want to, but rather it is like the Tao, it can’t be researched nor explained, it can only be learned and practiced.

Well that’s all she wrote folks.